New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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