The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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