My Higher Power is John Stamos
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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