i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
