I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
