you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
