I am puke
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
