Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Everyone says I win the strip club
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
