I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My liver just had a heart attack.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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