Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
