Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
