Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
