i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
