my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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