im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I think a kid would responsible me up
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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