He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
