you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
high people should be assigned attendants
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
