What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
