Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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