apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
