Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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