Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
