HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
