I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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