It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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