According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
