I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
