I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
