You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
