I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
