What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
