The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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