Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
