she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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