Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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