using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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