Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
