I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
