Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
