I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
