I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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