You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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