Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can't talk, ducks in the car
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
