we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
