I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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