She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
