So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
