You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
