I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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