im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
