The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
