I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
